The Low Down, Dirty Truth

Yep.  Time to get real.  I began this blog a few years ago to tell of the ups and downs of my journey.  I was steamrolling my way through it quite nicely, too; until about a year and a half ago, that is.  I'd post every now and then about trying to motivate myself and what I had been doing to stay motivated even if it were in just two week increments.  I've had so many people telling me for quite sometime how inspiring and motivating I am.  I try so hard to believe that, but it's intimidating! LoL!  I put myself out there for people to keep a critical eye on me.. but I did it ALL for accountability to myself.  Do you know how scary it is to be "on stage" all the time?? So.. instead of ruining something that kept people motivated and inspired, I would avoid posting blogs so much (and yes, probably a little bit of fear of being judged. Since I'm being honest here) .  The truth is that since late 2010 I've had a lot more downs than ups regarding my journey.  So by avoiding, I lost my accountability to myself.  I was enjoying my new lifestyle so well and felt SO passionately about it that in November 2010 I decided to quit my full time job and become a personal trainer.  A decision I do NOT regret and profession that I DEARLY love doing!  Just two short weeks later, I separated from my husband.  I will spare you details of my divorce and the struggles of being a single mom and trying to make a go of my new career.  That's not what this blog is about.. this blog is and always has been about my weight loss journey.  As you can imagine, there are many emotional ups and down of divorce alone.. add the pressure of being the sole provider for your family to that.. well.. you can see where I'm going here.  I admitted LONG ago that I'm an emotional eater.  These are all the perfect ingredients for weight gain and loss of motivation.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Before you start having visions of me laying on the couch with a gallon of ice cream and an economy size bag of Doritos each night or running through fast food drive thru's every chance I got..  I AM proud to share with you that I did NOT give up on my fight.  I taught Zumba, on average, 3 times a week and worked out with my own trainer a couple times a week.  I would still start out every week with the INTENTIONS of making great choices each and every day, only to find myself giving in to temptations or cravings.. telling myself.. "just one last time of chocolate before I (fill in the blank)" or my all time favorite "I haven't had (fill in the blank) in SOOOO LONG!"  Well.. with all that working out you'd THINK I'd still lose or even maintain.  Think again.  It's a known fact that exercise is only 10% of fat loss.. that leaves the other 90% to nutrition.  Over the last 17ish months I have gone up 2 pant sizes.  There are two big things I want to point out here.  First..Vanity..   I am no longer happy in my own skin.  Although I'd never in my life wore a bikini nor felt the need to.. I was very happy where I was and felt comfortable putting on a swim suit without wearing a tent over it.  I felt great wearing shorts that weren't to my knees with tank tops.  While it's not the end of the world and I haven't gone back to where I began.. I am not comfortable with me.  THAT is what's important.  Not what magazines or society thinks I should be like.. but what I WANT for myself.   Second.. Health.. I do NOT feel as good as I did before. When I was eating good 95% of the time I felt GREAT!  I had energy.  I felt clean inside.  I thought clearly.  These days I feel dragged down, unmotivated, and lethargic.  I think Kate Moss once said "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels".. well my friends.. that poor little toothpick has it all wrong.  Nothing tastes as good as being HEALTHY feels!

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

So.. instead of making promises or trying to give tips to keep myself motivated, I'm just going to get real again.  We are coming up on Lent to which I have decided to give up alcohol.  I am a social drinker and I have been trying to socialize a lot lately. It just comes with the 'trying to find a life' territory, but it has, no doubt, contributed to my weight gain.  I am also giving up chocolate for Lenten.  I miiiight be a chocoholic. ;)  And yes.. I do love the taste of it, but it does give me a "feel good" feeling.. an indulgence that makes me feel like I'm giving myself a special savory treat.  I don't feel this way about lemon cake or sugar cookies.. just chocolate. LOL!  Sick!  I know!  This isn't really about giving it up for fat loss as much as giving up something that I've sort of leaned on for comfort with hopefully the benefits of fat loss and also gaining the spiritual and physical cleansing that I NEED!

Anyway.. it's back to baby steps!  I am so grateful to have had the last year or so to recover emotionally, but I feel as if I've revert back a year physically.  I'm not making promises I can't keep.. just starting over. Anyone who wants to join me.. PLEASE.. SAY SO! My first goal is to be accountable.  My goal is to blog every month as I did beginning.. and maybe MORE!! (But no promises on the "more" statement! lol!) Thank you ALL for the encouragement I've had since the beginning of my journey.  I hope to continue to inspire and motivate you all to not give up on your fight, no matter what little battles you might lose.